I have never had an issue talking to strangers,
in fact, my husband picks on me about making friends wherever I go. I get this from my father, who when we
traveled from Vermont to Walt Disney World on vacation managed to find one
person in the park he knew, and then made, at least, five other new friends
along the way. In fact, on the trip down
to my wedding I stepped in to help an older gentleman as our flight was delayed
and we were going to miss the connecting flight. I heard him talking to the agent and we were
both trying to get to West Palm Beach, but we were going to miss the last
flight of the night and my wedding was the next day. I suggested he reroute to Fort Lauderdale
instead, to which he told me he did not have a ride home, as his wife could not
drive after dark. I called my now husband
and asked if we could give him a ride home and after making sure the man was
not a serial killer he agreed. I was
happy to help out and to make it to my wedding on time. The gentleman was so grateful to be able to
get to South Florida he upgraded my seat to first class from Philadelphia to
Fort Lauderdale, he was already in first class.
So, in the end, things worked out for both of us, and all of this
because I decided to talk to a stranger.
McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) state that the
fear of talking to strangers can stem from the belief that you are unworthy,
which can lead to being self-conscious and the conclusion that people do not
want to be around you. In his study,
Nauert (n.d) concluded that socially anxious people must improve their social
performance to break the cycle of social rejection, because when they continue
to think negatively then only negative outcomes occur. In another article, Lerner (2010) described a
situation where one may not have experienced enough rejection to know how to
handle it. While I understand all
of these theories from a psychological standpoint, my question is when did
everything start being all about us?
When approaching another person we are always
taking a chance that they are in a hurry, having a bad day, or any other number
of things that may prevent them from either speaking to us or rejecting an
offer. These rejections have nothing to
do with us; they are all about the other person, so why do we feel so badly
about the interaction? Why are we
conditioned to believe that we are the problem?
McKay, Davis, and Fanning (2009) offer many good tips on overcoming one’s
social anxiety around speaking to others: body language, icebreakers, different
types of questions, active listening and self-disclosure. However, none of these will make a difference
if the other person is not open to the communication, and that is something we cannot
control. Just as we cannot control whether
the other person has already eaten, has plans or is late for a meeting. At some point we need to stop thinking that
every rejection is about us, and realize that sometimes when we put ourselves out
there we are going to be turned down. It
is okay to be rejected and it’s okay to be sad and feel hurt by it, but at some
point we need to stand back up and realize the rejection may not have anything to
do with us, but with our timing.
Lerner,
H. (2010, March 27). The Fear of Rejection: A One Day Cure! (Part II).
Retrieved December 10, 2015, from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201003/the-fear-rejection-one-day-cure-part-ii
McKay,
M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages the communication skills
book
(3rd ed.). Oakland, Calif.: New Harbinger Publications.
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